myturtleflys

2002-10-03T12:35:00.000-05:00

yeah, i suppose i will start back up with the whole posting buisness. wooo. fun stuff.
my week has been mediocre. i wish i could have got to spend more time with my friends... but yeah, life sucks and i guess i need to get used to it. i went to inglemoor today. bad mistake. i ripped open a few wounds that were probably better left scarred. i feel bad and like i wasted time going to see people i will never ever see again for only ten minutes. gah. and the whole laser show thAng... no. it's to much trouble and i seem to be the only one who wants to do it and anyone who knows me knows i suck at planning. so... no. unless someone else wants to plan it, no. if you really want to do something with me then call me and we will chill... otherwise im just going to sit back and quit. i give up.
fwah!

2002-09-13T22:26:00.000-05:00

omg, you couldn't possibly fathom how wonderful my life has been going lately. i love everyone. i really do.

2002-09-09T19:18:00.000-05:00

lalalala, i haven't posted in a while and i feel bad but i don't feel like writing. i have been really really busy lately and i know no one cares so i won't bother you with all the nonsense. if you want to know what's going on in my life then give me a call. in the mean time, until i get back into the writing mood this site is going to be idle for a while. =)

2002-08-24T11:48:00.000-05:00

i screwed up the last post with my amazing html abilities...

i have given up music. why? because i am becoming to attached to it and it is begining to take over. everything i do i do it with music and every thought i have is about music and it is becoming something that i don't want it to be. when i write i draw infrences from music and when i talk i do the same. i need to have my own thoughts and ideas and not just reshaped ones i heard on the radio. no more radio and no more cd's. but the band is okay because that is a place whedre i can express myself through my own originality (if that's a word).

you may dissagree (i know one person that will) but i really don't care. it's something kinda deep down that makes no sense to anyone but me.

2002-08-21T16:22:00.000-05:00

im getting voice lessons. so i won't sound like me anymore =D im in a band now. i don't know what they are called. i was kicked out of underqualified sheep, sadly.
i believe that i will update are you there

2002-08-18T22:28:00.000-05:00

don't mind the post below... just needed somewhere to store that.

my life is changing... but don't worry, it's for the better. there are so many thoughts going on within my mind that i can't seem to put them into words. i write all this amazing stuff that i would love to share, but i am not quite ready to expose that piece of me to the three people that read this. and again, there is something different about me that i would love to tell everyone about. something that i hold dear to my heart and something that has done the majority of change in my life. to all the people in washington.... especially nicole... i have not changed as a person to where you would not enjoy my company any longer (i hope) but i am not different in that i have aquired all these new ideals to which i find are much more beneficial to my life and mental stability.

to tell the truth, i cannot collect my thoughts to make any sense so i am going to stop before you get to worried. i will try again later or maybe you can tell the difference the next time you see me. then again, there might not even be an outward change because it is more inward. ramble ramble ramble...

it must be nice to be able to talk correctly and it must be nice to be able to express your thoughts....

2002-08-17T12:19:00.000-05:00

The desert is beautiful... sand as far as the eye can see. It's high-noon and the sun is high in the sky. It is very hot, but as the animals you can find refuge in shade of a bolder or a tree. It being the night after one of the few rains the desert recieves EVERYTHING is in bloom. The many flowers compliment the plainess of the the sand all around. There are few animals in sight but the ones about are amazing. Birds, lizards, snakes, the list goes on.... It is desolate here, but very calming. The silence allows me time to collect my thoughts and reflect upon myself.

The cube lies half buried in the sand. I stumbled upon it by chance. It is made of intertwined wood and small enough to fit into my pocket. The wood is natural colored with no stain or paint. It is smooth and heavy enough to conclude that it is solid. It gives me a sense of joy... the kind a child gets upon discovering a shiny quater on the ground or an adult gets when finding a twenty in a pair of jeans. It has been sanded so smooth that it almost shines. It makes me wonder to whom did it belong and what it is doing sitting in the middle of the desert. Wonder, Joy, Happiness, Completion and Surprise.

The ladder was nowhere near the cube. It is very misplaced within the desert bring on again a sense of wonder and curiosity of why it would be in the desert. The ladder is wood and propped up against a catus. The ladder is almost as tall as the catus but a little shorter and is 10 rungs high.

The horse was tied to the ladder. It was a a beautiful quarter horse. Mahogany colored with a white star on its forehead. A long, flowing tail and a long, beautiful mane. The horse was eating from a trough that lay in reach. It seemed content with the situation at hand and happy to see me as i was happy to see it. It did not have a saddle or bridle and was tied to the ladder with a rope made from string.

The storm was a great sand storm. Luckily, I was able to see it before it reached me. It is far off in the distance but seems to be traveling in my direction. It does not affect the cube because the cube in safe in my pocket. The horse was not affected because I rode it to a safe location that sheltered us from the storm. the ladder was left propped against the catus because i believe someone might need it more than i. I left the ladder and did not see how it faired but it's futile because a ladder made of wood is not as important as a horse and not as easily transported as the cube.

I already described the flowers, but in detail there are many. This is because it is the day after the big rain. The flowers are all around... so in relation to the cube, ladder, horse and storm they surround everything. They are all colors of the rainbow but the reds, yellows, and pinks stand out the most and are the most vibrant of them all.

The desert represents life. The cube represents myself. The ladder represents my friends. The horse represents my future lover. The flowers represent my family.

2002-08-16T16:33:00.000-05:00

i want to make a difference....

2002-08-14T16:28:00.000-05:00

anywho.... i must express my dissaproval of the people here. EVERYBODY fucking smokes.... such a nasty habit that i really don't want to be exposed to. people smoke during break, during lunch, during passing periods... they run to the buses to smoke before they get on, then smoke a damn cancer stick while they're riding... ah, yes... i have to ride the bus now because beth got her lisense suspended for failing... people are so ignorant. well, it doesn't matter what i think anyway. i will get my lisense in a couple months... so i can stand to ride the bus for awhile. i got some pumas last night and i suppose my feet shrunk on the way back from e-town bc now they are to big. bah, death. i have a shitload of bottlerockets and firecrackers on my shelf... i wonder if i can bring those on the plane. probaly not, i could point a bottlerocket at someone and hijack the plane *shakes head*
alas, i must clean my room. ta-ta

2002-08-13T15:52:00.000-05:00

dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum.... HEY! mr. sandman....
i don't know the rest of the song.

2002-08-11T15:43:00.000-05:00

first day of school was okay...
i smell like smoke.... which is what i get for staying at ashely's house. but all is good. i went to newsong, but i left. it wasn't anything like last year and i was a but perturned because of this. i met two guys there with ashely... they were okay, i suppose. then we went to mr. gatti's and ate drunch... hehe. there we met up with savannah and chris. we sat there for around two hours talking. we talked to some people who came down for newsong from indiana... woo-wee. i guess they were a little dissapointed. i would be. kirstie, ashely and i then proceeded over to ash's house to look at some pictures taken asst camp of us and ems... it was a pretty good picture (i want a copy). yep, leitchfield is sooo sad though. we cruised town for 30 min or so because there is absolutely nothing to do here. there was a line to turn around downtown at taco bell all the way up to subway. *screams* god. corey, one of ashely's friends came over around 11ish and we all talked. i despise ashely's boyfriend. he really bothers me... him and his cancer sticks... nasty nasty nasty. and so egotistical... gah. yes. then ash's mom was jammin' to the gospel music this morning and i thought i was going to cry. i really didn't want to wake up to that.... and i really don't want to go to school tomorrow either. but the world sucks and i think i am going to go take a shower or run or something... i really don't know...

2002-08-06T22:49:00.000-05:00

yeah, so i finally registered today. surprisingly enough... ends up that i am going to take most of the classes that i didn't want to take this year. for example, math, history, and physics... i wanted to take ap bio but they said that i have to stay with my grade level... gah. i am perfectly capable of taking it. it ruined so much... because i wanted to take physiology/sociology my senior year, not ap bio... god. but i am sure you really want to hear about this, i will shut up now.

2002-08-06T00:02:00.000-05:00

take the death quiz.

and go to mewing.net. laura = great.

2002-08-05T22:40:00.000-05:00

yeah, i start school in 4 days... T_T

2002-08-04T00:47:00.000-05:00

go to are you there i updated...

2002-08-04T00:46:00.000-05:00

yeah, so today equaled shit. my mom woke me up at 5.30 in the am to go to the damn airport... and i have to say that today's airport experience was probably the worst ever. i got there and the check-in guy was being all mean and wouldn't let me check my guitar (there goes another 6 months without playing) so i had to leave it behind. then i had to go thru security which is a hassle no matter what the circumstances. but they must have suspected the teenage hippie chick to be a major threat so they had to swab all my bags and my shoes for gunpowder or something like that... the lady was reluctant to say exactly what the little machine did and i couldn't help but think that that violates some of my civil rights somewhere along the line... so i had to sit there for 15 or so min while she threw everything out of my bag and another 15 min or her struggling to get in back into the bag. that kind of pissed me off because i had it packed the way i wanted it and she goes in just to muss it all up and i couldn't find my damn lisense after because she buried it in my damn bag... agh. then that made me late getting to the check-in counter so the lady there was all pissy about giving me MY damn seat. the trip getting from seattle to dallas wasn't so bad though. i just wish i could fall asleep as we take off and not as we land... that has always been a problem of mine. then i look at my ticket when i get off the plane and realize that the airport people had given me exactly 4 min to get to my next flight. i was so goddamn tired and i had two heavy carry-on's i thought were going to rip my arms out of the sockets which did not = good. so i have to run a fucking marathon to make it to my connecting flight and when i get there i find out they had delayed it an hour. GAH! i was so pissed that i wanted to go tackle the people who run that place. so i finally get on the plane and go home and crash. shitty shitty day...

2002-08-03T03:00:00.000-05:00

okay, time to gather...
this week has been so intense. alison wrote a poem about me and her skiing together and how i fall all the time. i really enjoyed it. i gave some clothes to a friend today and it made me happy that she will enjoy them probably more than i ever did. it was kind of kewl that i could give them to her sense her efforts at buying a new pair of pants was fruitless... that is, without fruit... i feel bad that i am leaving and i wish that i didn't have to... i feel like i am abandoning all of my friends.
tonight equaled ehh... im sorry that you had to be here for that and in the car im sorry i was being an ass and not responding to your pokes... i was really upset with my mom for telling me she would do someting and changing her mind. it's not really the fact that she changed her mind that upset me but the fact that she didn't tell me about it. then in the car i thought about everything and all of it's entirety hit me. i will be gone. i won't see you. im leaving. no more phone calls. no more kidnapping. no more movies. no more burned cd's. no more you. and it's really shitty. i am going to miss everyone so incredibly much that i can't even begin to say it. my mother doesn't really understand how important you guys are to me.

2002-08-02T02:45:00.000-05:00

You are a daydreamer. You let your creative side get in the way a little too often and you are nowhere near the serious type. You are very loving and touchy, and you give your heart away too easily. You have crazy goals for yourself and you need to get back to reality
What kind of Drug Addict are you?

2002-07-31T17:52:00.000-05:00

well then... when i regain conciousness i will gather my thoughts...

2002-07-29T02:12:00.000-05:00

I am Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force!!

Which Aqua Teen Hunger Force character are you??

2002-07-29T02:09:00.000-05:00

this week has been amazing and i hope that this week will be just as splendid. nicole gave me her drawing of negative space... it rocks... i am going to hang it next to reality is on fire and her crazy mantis and shroom drawing. when i move i am going to dedicate a wall to her. today mom, monique and i went to seattle. it was great. we saw laser beatles and ate in the space needle. i had a grand time. i want to go see the wall with someone... i don't really care who. the plan was to go with nicole and alison...

2002-07-26T01:43:00.000-05:00

never mind my psychotic ramblings. i just want something to happen, something good.

2002-07-26T01:41:00.000-05:00

i have a tendency to atract the wrong type of people. i don't know... it's kind of strange. i just want to be nice and people like to take advantage of that. i want to be a writer. this has been something that i have wanted to do for a while but really haven't had any time to do. i look at people's work and think 'wow'... and i try to remember their style and their technique. i have been writing all summer. most of it not what i want it to be at all. i want it to be this great piece of work, but alas, it is not. i keep telling myself that the more i read, write, and listen to music the better i will become. i immerse myself in it, and i love every minute of it. i admire people. i look at them and see beauty. i see all their wonderful qualities. i sometimes wonder what some people are thinking, what it on their mind, what is bothering them, what they wish and dream for. existance is amazing. everything that i do, i become a more unique person. i break away from the normal. i want to be someone who is not classified. i want to be remembered for something other than my hair. i don't want to be the girl with the long hair. you have no idea how much this bothers me. i want to be remembered as megan. not as 'that girl'. i was the 'nice one'. you were the 'pretty one' and you were the 'quiet one' and you were the 'obnoixous one'. i like that. but i also like you. 'you' being a cryptic term that is used in most people's writing to refer to someone who you cannot call by name. with me, you could mean anyone. it could be the guy i met on the street the other day, or anyone of my friends. but right now, i wish i could refer to you by name. this would only cause trouble though. i don't want to do this to myself. you were always someone that was just out of reach for me. one time i thought that i had you. but you drifted away from me and i couldn't do anything about it. i have had you so close but you seem so far. i need to stop thinking about you. every time i sit and think you are always on my mind. i have always wondered if you have had the same feelings for me but i have just decided to not ask. if you thought it were important you would have said something by now. you probably don't even read this, which is a good thing because i bet you could see through those three letters. see your name. my best friend has made an accurate observation about me... i never make the first move. im not a very in-your-face type of person. i like for other people to step up and do what they want and say what they want. i guess it reverts back to the whole, i enjoy making people happy thing. but it isn't making anyone happy anymore, ecspecially not me.

2002-07-25T01:12:00.000-05:00

i think that you injured my thumb... you!

2002-07-25T01:07:00.000-05:00

i had a good day. i spent time with two of my favorite people... then i chilled out for a while... mom came home and then we went out to dinner. i got four new cd's (bjork, the vines, moth and cake), which is extremely exciting.... i haven't had any new music for a while....
happiness...

2002-07-24T18:39:00.000-05:00

HAVE YOU EVER------------------

* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: Nope, not that i recall...
* Missed school B/coz it was raining: raining... *shakes head
* Put a body part on fire for amusement: nope
* Been hurt emotionally: yep
* Kept a secret from everyone:i don't have any secrets about myself that i haven't told at least one person. other people's secrets are never told.
* Had an imaginary friend:once, but it didn't last to long. i noted that un-imaginary friends are so much more enjoyable to be around.
*Cried during a Movie: yes
* Had a crush on a teacher: no
* Ever thought an animated character was hot?: no
* Had a New Kids on the Block tape: wtf? no.
* Been on stage: yes... what kind of question is this?
* Cut your hair: hasn't everyone?

------------------FavORITES------------------

* Shampoo: Suave... the cheap-ass stuff that smells like coconuts ;)
* Soap: i never really thought about it...
* Color: green
* Day/Night!: night
*Summer/Winter: summer=no schoool... that's a no-brainer
* Lace or satin: satin
* Fave cartoon Characters!: meatwad, zorak, dolphin boy, aquaman, carl
* Fave Food: thai and baked potatoes
* Fave Adver: *shakes fist
* Fave Movie: fight club, memento, snatch... the list goes on
* Fave Ice Cream: rasberry/pineapple sherbet
* Fave Subject: anything science
* Fave 'normal' Drink: 'normal'...hmmm.... what is considered normal?? how about tea, water, vanilla&cherry coke
* Fave Persons to talk to online: Riley, chris, elaine, and nicole

----------------RIGHT NOW------------------

* Wearing: "Ride the anti-hate pony" tee-shirt, scooby-doo boxers
* Hair is: messy and in a ponytail
* I'm feeling: creative
* Eating: air ^_~
* Drinking: nothing
* Thinkin bout: all my friends
* Listening to:jack off jill
* Talkin 2: nobody

---------------IN THE LAST 24HRS------------------

* Cried: no
* Worn a skirt: me??
* Met someone New : no
* Cleaned your room: hell no
*done laundry: nope
* Drove a car: yes

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------

* Yourself: most of the time... lately a lot more than ever before
* Your friends: yes
* Santa Claus: no
*Tooth Fairy: no
* Destiny/Fate: yes
* Angels: yes
* Ghosts: not really ghosts... don't feel like getting into it.
* UFO's: unidentified flying objects i do believe in because not all objects in the sky are identified.... but not aliens.
-----------------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------

* Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: nope
* Like anyone?: of course
* Who's the loudest: either riley or nicole
* Who's the shyest: kirstie
* Who's the weirdest: some would say me... heh. where does this come from?? ^_~
* Who do you go to for advice: depends...
* Who do you cry to?: myself
* When you cried the most: when my mother tortures me...
* What's the best feeling in the world: happiness
* Worst feeling: depression

yay for me!

2002-07-23T21:19:00.000-05:00

lalalala........

2002-07-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

OMG!!!!! The have the aquateens advertising for a 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! but then again i may be the last person to know this, but it's news to me. HAHAHAHAHA!

2002-07-21T13:13:00.000-05:00

aHHH, its amazing...
i wish that i had something creative to say...
but i don't.

2002-07-20T19:00:00.000-05:00

i will be back in wa in 2 days... yay!

2002-07-18T23:30:00.000-05:00

i must express my dislike for the new movie they are coming out with called "eight legged freaks". i already have this phobia of those damn things... *shudders

2002-07-18T20:04:00.000-05:00

concert goingness tomorrow

2002-07-17T23:15:00.000-05:00

HAPPY NATIONAL PEACH ICE CREAM DAY!
...now if only i could find some peach ice cream...
...i believe that a cremesicle will do...
...muahahahaHAHAHA...

2002-07-17T19:50:00.000-05:00

the sky is beautiful... all those colors.

2002-07-17T19:47:00.000-05:00

i wish i could run away with the invisible circus
oh the fun we could have
focusing all my attention on the ciggarette
floating so effortlessly
spinning
dancing
not concerning myself with the world
but with my thoughts
and my dreams
no one is there to take me for granted
to tell me those little lies
that no one really bothers to notice
but eventually they come back
and bite you in the
ass
but before that happens
i will fly
lighting only within my comfort zone
until you come and bring me outside
to places i've only dreamed
tell me more
about the life
i could live

2002-07-17T17:36:00.000-05:00

yay for comments...
comment comment comment...
slowness bites, but all is well...

2002-07-16T23:14:00.000-05:00

gah, my mom can really steam my clams sometimes... i was listening to this splendid song in the car. i asked her who it was by and she so politely replied, "it's foreigner, everyone knows that". then monique says, "yeah megan, even i knew that...geez". well, all i have to say is that is it not foreigner but it is KANSAS!!! gah.
must... rub... in... face... when... home...

2002-07-16T23:09:00.000-05:00

anyways... added a new link. poems and all that good stuff.

2002-07-16T16:46:00.000-05:00

this is for the three people who read my site, heh. i am coming back july 21 and leaving aug 4. i am going to have a party sometime between those dates. everyone is invited... im trying to get as many people to go as i can. lalala... fun stuff. details later.

2002-07-15T15:39:00.000-05:00

happy birthday to me.

2002-07-10T23:57:00.000-05:00

Google! DayPop! This is my blogchalk: English, United States, Leitchfield, i don't live in a damn neighboorhood, Megan, Female, 16-20!

2002-07-10T00:03:00.000-05:00

thanks riley... you're such a great guy ^_~
anyhow... i have this amazingly amazing mosquito bit on my arm... and my leg... and my foot... gah, i hate insects.
i watched Tessa today.... which was woo-weee funerific.
and guess what... i get to watch her all day tomorrow too!!! w00t! can't wait! we get to play nintendo games half the day then i get to sit and watch her swim in the river she will probaly insist we stay down ther forever and a day... glad i stocked up on suntan lotion, or not.
yeah, so my dad is going with my step-mother to mississippi for her family reunion... which supposedly half her family isn't attending. that makes no sense to me but yeah, nobody asked me what i thought about the whole thing.
going to nashville this weekend with my friends, should be fun.
BOOM BOOM... it's thundering. it hasn't rained here in months. everything is dead and dieing. wait. it's monsooning now.
i got another, "hey, you looked stoned" and i replied, "thnx, i get that a lot" and they gave me a funny look.
armpit, underarm, underpit... IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE!!!!! gah, people are so picky these days.
i made a purty bracelet while on the phone last night. i was proud of myself. it's b-u-tea-ful.
even though i have this thing about taking pills, i would really like a sedative right now. i need some sleep. sleep=good. but i can't bring myself to get in bed. i'm gonna see how long i can stay up.
BOO-YAH! yah yah yah yah.
i have to go write elaine a letter.
lalala

2002-07-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

reflections on the post i made on 7/2/2002 at 9:06:42

when i wrote that post i was in a shitty mood. and when i wrote... "i can think about how great it will be when i forget about all the time i wasted not knowing it was futile" i was being really sarcastic and i was just thinking of the irony of it all. i meant the exact opposite of what i said. futile i suppose was a poorly choosen word but i didn't really think about it that hard when i was writing it... i never do. but in a sense it explains exactly how i was feeling. futile... in the webster's dictionary... means something that could not suceed; useless; vain. this is what i don't want to happen to our friendship and most likely is what is going to happen to it. maybe not tomorrow or three months from now... maybe not even for two or three years, but eventually we will just not talk anymore i am speaking from experience when i say these things.

don't get me wrong... i will NEVER forget you. i will always remember you and i do not think that our friendship was useless... if it were then why the hell have friends??? why would i have wasted all that time trying to do things with you. and if even after this you still think that i think that your friendship was a joke to me... well, don't. and remember that list i made a few weeks ago about myself... number 5 or so was that i don't want to hurt anyone. and if i do, im extremely sorry and i never had it in mind to hurt you.

2002-07-05T01:05:00.000-05:00

my hands are black and smell of gunpowder

2002-07-04T10:46:00.000-05:00

i will be coming back sometime this month i believe. since my mom has to give a three month notice she will be living there till november... i think. i will be coming back in october too, we have a break from school then. and i have to pack and shit like that so i will be around awhile before i officially move away.
when i come back i want to spend time with everyone...
im sorry for leaving.

2002-07-02T23:06:00.000-05:00

i can think about how nice it will be when i forget about everyone i have met there.
i can think about how wonderful it will be when i forget about all the time i have spent with you.
i can think about how great it will be when i forget about all the time i wasted not knowing it was futile.
i can think about how splendid it will be when i forget about your face.
i can think about how convienient it will be when i forget about you.

the sad thing is that i can't stand to have been put out there only to have wasted all that time. when i lived in new york i made all these friends that i remember but they wouldn't even know me if i past them on the street. sure... i tried best i could to hang on to them as long as possible, but eventually... we stopped wanting to see each other, we stopped wanting to talk, we lost things to talk about, we lost everything that we shared in common, we lost a friendship.

i suppose when im 20, 25, 30... everyone i met in washington won't matter... but how am i to know for sure. i should put the fact that i will see my dad and family more often above friends... but it is so hard for me to be all yayyy!!! i get to move to kentucky with my mom!!! yay!!! yay!!!...i won't get to see all my friends anymore!!! yay!! yay!!

i really hate being unsure.
i wish i were there... never thought i would say it, but yeah. that's the way it is.

2002-07-02T13:38:00.000-05:00

i have been held hostage in my grandmother's house. i have talked my mother into letting me use her computer because it's so dreadfully boring here. i suppose that i will manage.
i have incredibly bad news for all my friends in washington. good news for my friends in kentucky... i suppose that all of you can pretty much guess what that news is. gah. i don't know whether to be happy or.. not. we are moving to kentucky and my mom got some notion to build a log cabin on my grandmother's farm. i don't really want to move here for sake of having to go to the schools here, but i have a choice between the district where my dad lives and the district where the cabin will be. but i have told her all my demands that she must fullfill because of the sudden desicion. i will live with my dad while the house is being built and from then one i will live with him every other week. i will have a bathroom in my room. i will get a car. blahblahblah.... my mom has made up her mind that we are moving and is already getting the basement for the cabin dug out of the side of some cliff... -_- i will be coming back though. to pack and spend time with everyone before i leave. im just a little pissed that she just now decided to tell me. she thought i would be thrilled and was shocked when i got mad. she doesn't understand that i have friends and i wouldn't mind keeping them.
i just don't know right now what to think.
i wouldn't mind talking to somebody.
grrr...

2002-06-30T23:55:00.000-05:00

"Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours."

an old post i find very enlightening now

2002-06-30T23:53:00.000-05:00

The fuzzy lampshade tickles my fancy
i know that this day was made with me in thought
i only imagine all of you
and your little boombox
playing that song that satisfies my soul
and more than that

The window shade dares me to pull it off the wall
it doesn't let the sun shine in
and doesn't keep the dog out
it crawls throught the little space in the wall
hoping that it will be comforted
only to find me gone
whisked away

I prance around in my little world
discovering things i have never seen
not knowing i could find them in the real world
but why spoil the fun

An afgan... it covers the couch
with a pistol
and it's love
the little freak got away with all of the peanut butter
and all my possesions that i hold dear to my heart
but you can't take them with you
so why hold on so tight

Lonely, lonely, lonely
broken picture
of people i barely know
laughing with the hope their secrets will not be revealed
but i can only fathom what you are ashamed on
and it will soon be revealed

You think you know
but the truth runs deep
you cut off the top of the weed
but the roots run deep
holding on
imprisioned in the earth
with one reason to live
just to hold on
-me

2002-06-30T19:37:00.000-05:00

You shall live in a van down by the river. Your job shall be to feel constantly abused by all surrounding extremely sexy crunching noises. find out your destiny

2002-06-29T19:35:00.000-05:00

i have had my fill of ac/dc for the night.
my dad got a new stereo dvd thingy and insists on "making the house vibrate and the neighbors wonder".
*shakes head

2002-06-29T02:43:00.000-05:00

i miss you.

2002-06-28T13:11:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 18th KIRSTIE!!

2002-06-28T13:08:00.000-05:00

I FOUND AQUEMINI!!!! dude, i thought it was lost forever...

we be stressing dirty dirty/gon' represent it to the t tops/born and bred upon the street tops/get to the money and the sweet spots/and forever hollar HOOTIE HOOOO when we see cops

2002-06-24T23:19:00.000-05:00

i have found this joy. it's hard to explain. but im not going to think about it. it's amazing.
i don't write poems anymore because they only come when i am depressed. i miss the ability to write but i will lay it down for happiness.

2002-06-23T14:12:00.000-05:00

i am not the same person.

2002-06-23T14:10:00.000-05:00

goddamn milk... damn it all to hell... every last bit of it.

2002-06-22T17:53:00.000-05:00

life is good. damn hot though.

2002-06-18T23:23:00.000-05:00

i have nothing to complain about... nothing exciting to say... nothing that is going to make you feel any better about anything...
i made a grass whistle today.... and my dad taught me how to parallel park.
my life is exhilarating, it really is.

2002-06-05T17:41:00.000-05:00

i am the savior of someone's sanity... heh, i feel special.

2002-06-02T01:53:00.000-05:00

im so sorry.

2002-06-02T01:45:00.000-05:00

it's so ironic...
we need to talk. i need it to make sense. i need to figure out what this is.
i hate writing stupid-ass cryptic messages, they really piss me off.
i made this so i could write whatever the hell i wanted but it had morphed into this thing were i write the stupid things that seem important when i write them, but they aren't really important at all. now that everyone that is important to me reads this i can't write anything that would offend them or things that they may take the wrong way.

things about me that people should know:

1. I get really self-conscious when i am around strangers
2. I get rather quiet at times and even i do not know why *not realted to number one
3. It's hard for me to talk when i just want to soak up the moment
4. I do not ever want to hurt anyone who i care about
5. I do not want to hurt anyone
6. I always feel like people are looking to me expecting me to be a person with no problems or a person who doesn't give a shit about anything, the thing is, i do give a shit most of the time...
7. Number 6 is purely my fault because i let people believe this
8. Sometimes i do or say things that i don't really mean to do and it cause people to get mad/angry/sad/hurt/etc... and i really don't really relize it until later, then i feel really bad afterwords and do absolutely nothing about it - or i don't ever relize it and no one tells me
9. I regret most everything i do, whether it be good or bad which is the reason i hate talking about my past
10. Im selfish
11. I enjoy just lying there and doing absolutely nothing as long as im happy
12. I put people before me when sometimes i shouldn't.... but this totally contradicts number 10 but both stand true
13. I try to please people when i shouldn't... this again contradicts number 10
14. I always think negatively about myself then try to act all optimistic about everything else
15. There are only two people who i would actually let in my life and they don't even know it. hell, i don't know if they do or not... i can never be with them alone
16. I hate people who lie yet i lie to myself everyday
17. I don't even know who i am
18. When i think, i blame it on being tired... but 99% of the time i am tired when i think... it's the only time that my mind is clear
19. I don't like being bothered when i am thinking, it really distresses me because i have these incredible thoughts that i lose once my mind becomes cluttered with the stresses of everyday life

"You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault"

2002-06-01T15:35:00.000-05:00

i feel loved. i guess you don't relize how much people really enjoy being around you until, well... you look.
hey, it's june! woo-wee. one more week of school left. then i am off to ky.
wreaked havoc on the neighborhood last night. it was fun.
movieage... sigh.

2002-05-19T20:16:00.000-05:00

reality is on fire

i am so glad that you are you.
god, there has been to much shit shoved in my face lately and i haven't been coping well.
i should have found a way to handle it but i thought i would let it ride.
nothing has been working out lately.
my immune system=shit... so it makes it hard for me to do anything. i.e. talk, breathe, chew, swallow...
i need to stop bitching and just be all yay and shit.
but sometimes it just isn't working for me.
to much do do and not enough time. im sooo happy all of this IB shit is over with and school is so close to ending.
just a few more tests and im through.
i will be normal again because school is out temporarily.
i just need the break. i need to smile again, which comes naturally with you. weeeeeeeee. ^_^

2002-05-18T02:09:00.000-05:00

woo-weee.
im so weird.

2002-05-17T14:19:00.000-05:00

yeah. im sick and i am not in a good mood. i want to go home and sleep. this week has been everything but productive. i haven't been to some of my classes all week and we have all these finals next week... aagah. i don't know. i guess i will be okay once i get home. i still have to go back to chemistry and go to english then go to the math room and take a test i am sure that i am going to fail... a sidenote being that i don't need to fail it... then i have to trudge over to biology and sit there in that class full of absolute dumbasse and be the on;y one in the whole damn class that understands the simplest concepts... bah, go to go to class. i just remebered that i didn' eat lunch.

2002-05-16T00:04:00.000-05:00

your face so old
your eyes so big
i see your age
i see your love

you look at me with those
helpless and innocent eyes
i can feel the love radiating
from your body
over mine

2002-05-15T23:59:00.000-05:00

myturtleflys... it's one word. it is supposed to be that way. that is the way that i like it. if the words were separated, i suppose that i would have it grammatically correct. but i don't. so yay.

2002-05-14T22:48:00.000-05:00

i love my dad. he understands me. i feel for him though, he hasn't been able to see me for my whole life and i can change that now but i can't do it. im selfish. i don't want to give up my friendships i have made. they are precious and i realize this because i have lost everyone in new york that i had held so close, they are meerly memories that i can only think about. i don't understand why we live out lives out only to forget the things that were so important to us. i have all these memories that i want to keep but i know that i will only eventually lose grasp of. i also don't want to put up the fight with my mom and her side of the family. they can be vicious. i have seen it before. it would be bad for a while, but then they would forget me. but i also don't want to lose the family love that i really need. sure, you say that it isn't love if they can forget me... but i believe it is in my own fucked up way. i don't know, i miss my dad. i have made the decison that i am going to go to college in kentucky... most likely western or UK. im not sure... i think i will major in biology then move onto forensics in st.louis. i will be close enough to go to dad's when i have the time. i dont mind the drive as long as i know that i can always go home.

2002-05-09T22:41:00.000-05:00

Nicole!!
bah to all this not seeing each other.
we need to chill.
and Alison!!
the same thing.

and hey, i want my book back, bitch! ^_^

2002-05-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

Alas my love, you say goodnight
Wipe this poisen from my brow
Alas my love, this guilty night gives me up like a foster child
And in this moment I take my vow with these angels sleeping at my feet
And in this moment, you do not now how
How this spirit wants to flee
You see, what was one man against the night
Taking on a multitude that have left him high and dry
No candle burning vigil could light the way
Darkness hit the ground
LIke a falling satllite
He wrestled until mornign with the himan souls and dark angels
And the he finished his work
On the third day

2002-05-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

*shakes head
yes, i would like to say that i do not hate steven lynch.... i just dislike hearing him everytime we talk

2002-05-06T00:25:00.000-05:00

why can't things be like they were.
im a very bitter person right now.

and i don't know why...

but i do. im just not wanting to think about anything. i am sick of the world and how it has been a bitch this year. i know that i am selfish, but i never, ever, get what i want. maybe once. that's it. i hate to say it, i sound so juevenile... but i don't understand.

2002-05-06T00:20:00.000-05:00

i feel strong dislike towards someone. can you feel my negative energy????

2002-04-29T14:21:00.000-05:00

...

2002-04-28T13:01:00.000-05:00

jesus christ ALMIGHTY!!!
i had fun, being disgruntled, the haha thing is that it was the first time in a while i used that word.

2002-04-25T22:13:00.000-05:00

silently screaming together, alone
anticipating serendipity with open minds
but clearly confused with diminished confidence
deliberately thoughtless i see this
sadly funny,
ordered confusion somewhat destroyed
by this deafening silence

2002-04-22T18:05:00.000-05:00

LOOK!!!...down there.... it's me being a weirdo manic depressive!!!

2002-04-22T14:19:00.000-05:00

my efforts to not become depressed are slowly fading. if only i could convince myself that everything is going to be alright.... i suppose that i myself then would eventually become okay. i hate depresion. it's not fair that i go into it and then come out of it only to relapse and once again feel the pain i thought that i had triumphed over. i want to believe that everything will be okay. i am changing.... for the better, i hope... but i am not quite sure. it's so easy to be sad. to find things to be sad about, i have so many. i find myself hating myself and others around me, but i feel no need to justify this hatred. my grandma told me how she sees the difference in me when i first go to kentucky, she said i was depressed and stressed out. when i leave she says that i am noticably mellower and happy. mom once again told me to "go back to fucking kentucky". i am begining to think that that would be my only way to stop the pain. but if i leave, i will be leaving my pain here only to find new pain of the loss of some of the dearest friends i have ever had. i do not want to suffer any longer. i have told my dad that i have given up because he asked me to come back. i do not want to have to purposely put myself in such a situation willingly. i cannot take the pain. i do not like the feeling that comes over me when i cry. and it seems that only one person can make me cry. and i need to get away from her. i will eventually go mad. it's not a notion that would be easy for me to concieve. but i feel that i have no other choice at times. it really is not easy. im not in the mood to fight. can't you see?

2002-04-18T12:39:00.000-05:00

this is killing me....

2002-04-18T12:35:00.000-05:00

i love you. you probably will never read this, but yeah... got to recognize.
if i were here all the time, it could be different.
someday.

2002-04-17T11:26:00.000-05:00

you know.... spring break is supposed to be a happy time full of happy things that go yay!... there is not supposed to be all of this thinking shit. thinking=bah!
well it doesn't matter i suppose... i will be happy tonight, yay for music... it seems i can get myself engulfed in it... kind of lose touch of reality and sink into the world that will never be. if there were no music life would suck. concerts are good fun.
kentucky is great. everything smells all fresh and new. like when we were walking down the stairs and all i could say was, fresh. i wanted to mow the lawn just to get the smell of fresh cut grass. i guess im strange... but yeah.

2002-04-13T00:15:00.000-05:00

What kind of drunk are you?

off to good ole k-y with me. bahtards...

2002-04-11T19:49:00.000-05:00

. . .and all in unison they exclaim. . . what the fuck????

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

NICOLE!!!!!
sorry i couldn't be there to surprise you with a cake or anything... next year.... you'll see... anyways. you can tell me how your day was later.
i can't wait till spring break.... only one more day....

2002-04-11T19:45:00.000-05:00

MUTINY IN THE BARRACKS,

CAPTAIN!!!

2002-04-09T23:38:00.000-05:00

truth plus

magical love

equals freedom

2002-04-04T22:57:00.000-06:00

yay! i can write... just not now

2002-04-03T17:51:00.000-06:00

well i have decided that i am not going to write here for a while... i haven't been in the mood lately and yeah. do you know how it is?

2002-03-31T19:17:00.000-06:00

yes... so my computer is being an asshole and i refuse to do anything on it until we get it fixed... soon.
yay! easter sucks.
is simner a word?

2002-03-28T18:08:00.000-06:00

happy mood

i am in such a great mood.
i wish that i could run around and share my happiness to everyone.
i would hand it out in little cups with little spoons... kinda like they do in the supermarkets.
but happiness is not a tangible thing...
so, oh well.
GET HAPPY DAMNIT!

2002-03-24T15:31:00.000-06:00

glittering madness
enlightened contemplation
perfect, unbelievable

2002-03-20T22:26:00.000-06:00

I'm a Fire Spirit

2002-03-20T21:47:00.000-06:00

you guys are the greatest people in the world...
if you think that i am not talking about you, well i am.

2002-03-19T23:24:00.000-06:00

the creature in the sky
got sucked in a hole
now there's a hole in the sky
and the ground's not cold
and if the ground's not cold
everything is gonna burn
we'll all take turns
i'll get mine, too
this monkey's gone to heaven

if man is 5 if man is 5 if man is 5
then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6 then the devil is 6
then god is 7 then god is 7 then god is 7
this monkey's gone to heaven

2002-03-18T22:21:00.000-06:00

jubilantly smiling
laughing esentially loud
irrestiable

rubies sink, painful
smooth chirchyards deafen lightly
excreting bleakness

loving lightly, life
mumbling mumbling words
insanity, tears

chasing chasm's answers
reawaken, wind gusting
singing fears screaming

2002-03-18T22:14:00.000-06:00

megan: badew *smack smack smack
nicole: grrr *grabs at enlongated finger
megan: nooooo *smack smack smack
nicole: agghhh *tackles megan
megan: eek *collapses to ground

2002-03-15T22:06:00.000-06:00

wEEkEnD!!!
you do not even know how happy i am...

2002-03-15T00:44:00.000-06:00

tomorrow is friday and the weekend will soon be upon us. why is the week so long? it seems as if my week was longer than everybody elses. i really do not feel like doing the whole registration thing. both woodinville and inglemoore are harassing me about staying or going and all my current teachers are telling me how much smarter i would be if i just did IB and how...blahblahblah. the thing is ... i really do not...do not...care. it is the last thing on my mind right now. i take seven classes, currently, which means that i get home later, and i get more homework. every fucking class i am taking right now is IB and i am stressed (to the maxxzzzzz). i am just trying to focus on me being happy. i don't care about my grades... if i did, then i wouldn't be happy, because i am not perfect. i don't care mcuh about anything besides friends and family relations. im trying to make things better between me and my mom. sometimes it seems that i can't please her in anything i do. but lately, i guess i haven't been as...me...lately. that kind of bugs me because if i am not me... then who am i? but obviously being me is not acceptable around mother.
overall, life is good and life is a pain in the ass sometimes also. but i am trying to make the best of it for now...
tomorrow is going to be a great day.
weekend...
ahhhh....

2002-03-15T00:32:00.000-06:00

"Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours."

2002-03-13T18:54:00.000-06:00

it was really sad today because throughout sixth period i continually thought that that it was friday. just the mood made it seem that way. it's so strange how my mood has changed lately. i haven't been sad for over a month now *i sound like an addict...i've been clean...* and everything has been going pretty well. im altogether... pretty damn happy again...